Very Close Veins

Actually it's Varicose Veins.

FYI to y'all, I always hard time finding the right position to sleep every night. I used to be an athlete but failed to excel in it and my performance go worse as I grew older. My sitting posture is a bad sight as I always sit like a guy. I always had hard time to walk, stand, whatever that is related to using my leg. Varicose Veins is the reason to all of this.

Many might ask what is this. Okay from wikipedia:

Varicose veins are veins that have become enlarged and tortuous. Veins have leaflet valves to prevent blood from flowing backwards (retrograde). Leg muscles pump the veins to return blood to the heart, against the effects of gravity. When veins become varicose, the leaflets of the valves no longer meet properly, and the valves do not work. This allows blood to flow backwards and they enlarge even more.

That's why sometimes you might notice my left leg looks swollen or slightly bigger than the right one. Yea, it's kinda cacat-ed. I remember few years ago I had my surgery on the leg and I blogged about it in Friendster.

I re-wrote this story and submitted as my assignment last semester, well I figured, since I'm going for a check-up and probably an injection on my leg for further recovery, I'm going to post my story again in this blog. Pardon the lack of bombastic language in the story.

No Pain, No Gain

‘If the laser tube can’t get in, I’m going to have to cut your leg, I’m warning you.’ The doctor told me before I left his office. I could not respond to the statement by Dr. Murli as I was really stoned by the word ‘cut’. I dragged myself to the wad room and sat on the bed thinking: no matter how pain it will be, I must endure it because at the end, I will have my normal left leg back.

I looked on the incoherent round marks drew by blue marker pen on my left leg, ‘One, two, three, four, five, six……….eight…… ten…. twelve.’ 12 circles were marked on my leg by the doctor. I have never known that I actually have approximately 12 swollen parts on my left leg, I never count them before.

I changed into the patient’s dress and I must say, it was very uncomfortable to have that on. Because I am only allow to wear nothing else but the patient’s dress and sarung, no bra, no panties, no underwear at all. Or I should say, I’m felt insecure when wearing that dress? I am afraid I will be embarrassed that I will accidentally pull and untie the knot of the dress on my back or my sarung gets lose and falls down.

‘Mmmmuuuuaaahahahahaha!’ I heard an evil laughter when it was almost time to get in the operating theater. It was like the moment of death when the reaper was approaching me. It turned out that it was actually from a man in his thirties, maximum dark brown skin, having Phua Chu Kang’s curly hair, wearing white uniform and approached me with a wheel chair and a tooth-pastes ad’s smile on his face. He helped me to sit on the wheel chair. ‘Great entrance,’ I thought to myself.

My parents waved to me and wish me luck:’ We will be right here waiting for you.’ I smiled and waved to them as well. I had butterflies in my stomach as the male nurse escorted me to the operating theater. The male nurse spotted my worried face, and he started to talk to me. We had a nice talk, ended up talking about how my parents got married.

Along the journey to the operating theater, there were many people around and they were all stared at me when I passed them by. ‘Oh my God, this girl broke her leg!’ ‘What were the markers on her leg about?’ ‘Poor girl, she’s so young and she’s on the wheel chair?’ These were some of the thoughts that I heard while reading their expression when they looked at me. How much I wish I could walk myself to the destination without having someone to push me using the wheel chair.

And finally, I reached the surgery department where all the operating theaters were. The male nurse asked if I could walk inside myself, I said: ‘I’d love to!’ and hopped up from the wheel chair immediately. We were walking at this hallway where the whole atmosphere was exactly like the Thailand horror movie: it was dark, clean, wide, quiet, cold and what I can hear was the foot-steps of the both of us. It was like the next thing I might experience is a lady ghost in white dress crawls out from the ceiling.

And then, I entered the operating theater and I can hear my heart beat clearly when I saw the operating table. I climbed on the table, trying to position myself in the most comfortable way I can get but failed, because the steel table was icy cold and hard. I felt better and was in my comfort zone then when someone came to me and put two pillows under my head and covered me with three layers of blankets because it was really freezing cold in the room.

As I was lying there, I observed around and it was too dark for me to see the surrounding. But the nurses were very busy walking around me, preparing for the surgery. I was looking at one of the nurse with green mask and green cap on, unsure of his or her gender, arranging the surgical instruments on a table near to me. I am neither a doctor nor a nurse, so I definitely have no idea at all what were the names for these knives and scissors looking things, but I am certain that these things were sharp and they will definitely cause a lot of pain! More butterflies in my stomach now.

I chose to be in local anesthesia for two reasons: firstly, it was the doctor’s recommendation as the operation only happens on my leg and I should be able to bear with the pain as my leg will be numbed; secondly, it was so much cheaper if compared to general anesthesia that I am able to save up a few thousand ringgit. Hence, I am wide awake to feel and to hear the whole surgical process that is happening to me. My view was blocked by a piece of wood where they placed under my neck. That was at least one good news because I would not want to watch someone cut open my leg with a knife and see my own blood.

I could feel they poked on my left leg with needles for several of times and waited for a few minutes. My leg felt numb gradually. And then I started to hear a familiar song being played in the room. I peeped on my right and saw a radio. ‘I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your fantasy, I’ll he your hope, I’ll be your lovely everything that you need…’ the lyric and melody was so familiar and I finally recalled, it was a song by Savage Garden, titled ‘Truly Deeply Madly’. That was the second good news so far as music is always my great medicine when I am feeling sad or down; and a celebration when I am happy. Hence, it is definitely a great company for me during this operation. More songs from Savage Garden were played after that.

‘Dr Murli, it’s ready,’ one of the nurses called out when Dr Murli entered the room. And then, I felt an extreme sharp pain on my leg, I was positive that he was cutting open my leg now. It was followed by something being forced to enter into my leg. The pressure that was put on my leg when the nurses and doctor push my leg to attain the right position caused slight pain and I felt very uncomfortable.

“No, cannot, the tube can’t even get in there,” said Dr Murli. That was definitely a bad news for me, especially after underwent so much pain. Dr Murli, in his green mask and green cap on, approached me:” The laser tube doesn’t get in, I have to cut open your leg, you might experience slight pain, okay?” I nodded and answer him softly:’ Okay.’

I do not think that I have a choice to decline or stop the operation at that moment. What I thought to myself was I want to end this quick, no matter how much pain I must go through because I wanted to experience the outcome of it.

As I mentioned earlier, the cut caused maximum pain and it was almost impossible to endure it when it comes to a total of 12 cuts to be made on the leg. Tears were rolling in my eyes when the first few cuts were being made. The nurses noticed the situation I am in, thus, she reported it to the doctor. The doctor asked me:” Are you sure you want to continue or you want to do this next time?” “Please proceed,” I told him.

After the fifth cut, my tears kept dropping off my cheeks and my fists were tight. On the eighth cut, I burst into tears and I bite tight on the blanket. The nurse came up to me and asked my condition, I told her frankly that cuts were aching, and she reported it to the doctor. “More anesthetic for her,” said the doctor. And then he came to my right side:”Ong, if you can’t stand the pain, I have to stop the operation, but I only have a few more cuts to do,” he said. “I’m sorry, please continue,” I said, as I lifted my hand to wipe my tears away.

I still have tears dropping off my cheeks, still biting on the blankets and my hands gripped hard on the blankets but I tried not to make any sound as I am worried that the doctor will have to stop his operation again due to my weakness. I was thinking to myself that no way I am going to give up now because the process was already more than 50%. “Ong, relax okay? Just relax,” one of the male nurses said to me. “Sheng Jean, bu yao pa, guai, bu yao ku,” a female nurse said to me not long after that which means “don’t be afraid, hush, don’t cry,” in Mandarin. And then another female nurse came to my left ear and whispered:” Girl, jangan takut ya? Tahan la,” which literally means ‘don’t be afraid, just bear with it,’ in Bahasa Malaysia, with her hand patting on my shoulder. It was great to hear so much encouragement and they did comfort me, especially when it comes in three different languages!

About 20 minutes later, the doctor came to face me again:” It’s done, but I’m only getting some of your cell samples for research, it’s not cured yet, the nurse will stitch your leg. We will talk about this tomorrow morning with your parents around,’ and then he left. The nurses patted on my shoulder again and told me “Good job,” before I was moved to another bed and sent back to my room. I had a total of 13 cuts and a lot of stitches on my left leg.

I was shocked to acknowledge that with the level of pain that I went through and I was very much anticipating on the outcome, but it turned out that I had gain nothing. Nothing was change on my left leg, it was still swollen. I am still having Vericose Veins on my left leg. Although I am surprised, I am not sad at all. I felt a slight disappointment but I am proud of myself. I have learnt to face challenges bravely. It there is a second time of me undergoing the same process again, I am definitely still in because I know there is a chance of me getting my leg fix. Even my families and my friends, they were proud of me for able to go through such painful experience, not giving up and stayed strong until it ended. As what people always said, ‘no pain no gain’, I do not gain anything physically, but mentally, I am trained to become a better person by being brave, though and stronger than before.

-The End-


Hope you guys enjoy my story and feel inspired? HAHA! Alright these are the photos that I retrieved from my old blog.

The patient tag.

My leg after the surgery.

Wish me luck next Wednesday. My first check-up after 4 years. :)

P/S: Congrates to myself! The longest post so far. XD